Hunting for Love Read online

  “Let me explain to you what happens, okay? First your bear will get weak, and she’ll start leeching from you to stay alive. And, when you have nothing left to give, she will snap and take over. You’ll be too weak to take your body back, and you’ll be stuck like that—probably forever. At least Mom and Dad had a choice, but you won’t. You’ll be trapped in your own mind and you’ll wish you were dead, but you can’t end it. And what about your mate that you pine so sweetly for? Lucy, you can’t sense him if your animal side is weak like she is. You think your mate is going to be your saving grace? That he’s going to fix everything that’s wrong in your life? You’re dead wrong. You can’t want one part without having the other. If you want to be happy, to not hate yourself, you need to fix what’s going on between you and your beast.”

  “Ryan, I don’t—” My tears blurred my vision, but Jon’s sturdy protest still rang in my ears. A deep, low rumbling cut him off, and I wiped my eyes before they flickered to him. Distress was written all over his face, his hands clenched by his sides and a white circle surrounding his mouth.

  “Shut up, Jon. I appreciate you bringing Lucy back, but this is none of your business. If she wants to go down this road, she might as well know what she’s signing up for.” Jon was no match for Ryan in either form—the realization hit me right in the chest. My brother was bigger, badder, and more dominant. Even so, right before my eyes, Jon puffed up his chest and straightened his shoulders. Through my watery gaze the fire in his eyes was brighter, and my heart squeezed tightly.

  “With all due respect, I think you’re going about it the wrong way.” Jon’s stance wasn’t threatening, but it was clear he wasn’t going to back down. Holding my breath, I tightened my hold on myself as my bear struggled to lift her head and see the show down. Watching Ryan glare at Jon, my eyes stung and my stomach flipped inside out.

  “Fine.” My jaw dropped as my brother visibly deflated, but he didn’t release Jon’s gaze for a long, heavy moment.

  What’s going on? They were the only words I could string together. My mind raced, trying to figure out what was happening even though I couldn’t see it.

  “Lucy—” Twisting to skewer me with his glare, Ryan reached to scratch his beard. Cringing at the way his voice rattled my brain, I ducked my head to stare at my feet. In the end Ryan said nothing more, though. His heavy footsteps disappeared up the stairs, and the door slammed like a judge’s gavel.

  I just didn’t know what my verdict was.

  Heaving a sigh, I didn’t know I was holding in, my lungs shuddered and my breath scratched my throat. Before I could even inhale, a pair of boots came into my vision, and I pursed my lips together. Daring a glance up, my eyes peered through my eyelashes to catch the gentle look on Jon’s face.

  “Do you want to have a drink with me?” Licking my lips, I shook my head at the offer. My burning throat desperately throbbed for relief, but I ignored it.

  “No, I’m just going to go to sleep… Thanks for helping me out today.” Shuffling out from before him, my legs felt like lead and my chest tightened. It was almost as if my lungs would burst and seep out through my ribs. Taking a short, shallow breath, I blinked hard as Jon’s eyes followed me. My journey across the bar seemed to take forever.

  Hiding behind the wall that closed off the stairs, I reached with shaking hands to rub my face harshly. This wasn’t supposed to happen, my mind whispered sluggishly. But what could I really expect? I have no plans. I didn’t even think through leaving the bar.

  I really am a mess.

  With each step I took up the stairs, my arms struggled to pull my upper body along. Even the tiniest movements felt like it took too much energy. After all the drama today, I wasn’t surprised I was wiped out, but it was still worrying. Ryan was right; my animal side was taking from my human side. Ignoring it wasn’t going to work for much longer.

  Chapter Six: Jon

  Ambling through the forest that sat at the back of my vacation rental, I let my bear have free rein as my human mind got sucked into my problems. My body moved slowly, the wind ruffling my shaggy coat and my claws digging into the soft dirt below. Being on another male’s territory, even though I had permission, made my bear more cautious than usual. These trees were unfamiliar, so much bigger than the ones in northern California.

  It all passed by almost unnoticed, though. Instead, my thoughts focused exclusively on Lucy and what had transpired the night before. She was in trouble, I had realized, but the depth of that had been unknown until we reached the bar. It was something that kept me up all night, the back and forth between her and Ryan playing over and over again until the sun rose.

  One thing did make sense now; I knew why she was so afraid of herself. Watching people she knew, her parents no less, degrade from functional, rational humans to base animals couldn’t have been easy.

  The problem now was figuring out what to do to help Lucy. Reaching the point she was at took years; it didn’t just happen out of the blue.

  And now that a potential mate is involved, she’ll get worse faster. The thought came unbidden, and my bear let out a grumble. Ryan made a great point last night, and both my bear and I hated it.

  Lucy couldn’t sense me or my viability as her mate. She wasn’t connected enough with her beast to achieve such a heightened sense.

  Wandering deeper into the woods, away from the house, my beast pawed heavily at the ground and rocked his body. There was no wariness from him to go back and force his counterpart out. Lucy’s human side would fade as her bear side grew stronger, but it wouldn’t be permanent. Her soul would balance out, and it would happen quicker than her decline.

  How do I take that first step, though? It was such a troubling question. Coming out and explaining to Lucy we were potential mates was the absolute worst possible thing to do right now. She would think I was pressuring her, I knew. Groaning internally, my frustration began to thicken my blood as I retreated deeper into myself.

  This is a disaster at the opposite end of the spectrum from Claira. That was easy to acknowledge. Even though I didn’t like it, this rocky start wasn’t as bad as a heartbreaking ending. It was filled with the possibilities Claira and I had never had; the opportunity to grow close in a genuine way.

  I’d always known Claira was a little superficial, but only now did I see how wide the range of “potential” spanned.

  Stop comparing Lucy to Claira. That woman is nothing to me anymore. Lucy is the future… if I can figure out what to do.

  Even as I scolded myself, my thoughts refused to obey. Claira and I had been compatible, yes, but I never felt anything remarkably special about her. I didn’t find her dark brown eyes fascinating, nor could I stare at them for hours on end in theory. She didn’t have a body that drove me insane, and after we were together I was always left with a void.

  But I was blinded by the fact that she was the first female my bear could tolerate. In the wild everything was the opposite, but like I was part animal from him he was part human from me. We didn’t wander the continent searching for receptive females one after another. We waited, biding our time until a good, strong female showed up.

  Lucy was that strong female even if it wasn’t in this moment. She was stubborn and strong willed, sticking to her guns even if they were bad decisions. I had no doubt her beast would be the same, and mine rumbled in agreement. A female like her bred strong cubs.

  My thoughts came full circle, and I was left wondering what I could do to pull Lucy from the pit she’d dug for herself. It was a vicious cycle I hadn’t found a way to break yet.

  I was deep in unknown territory when my thoughts about Lucy suddenly halted. Lifting my nose to the sky, I took deep inhales as the wind carried the scent of some poor deer down the side of a mountain. It was fresh, I could tell, and with a grunt my body steered towards the smell. My stomach twisted and churned in expectation, and my mouth watered as the scent grew stronger.

  Down home in the Lower 48, I tried to let my bear out at leas
t every other day. I limited his hunts to once a week, though. Usually he’d find a berry bush to pick over, and I was fine with that. There was an incredibly thin sheet of glass that kept us from overwhelming each other, and I always had to be careful. It wasn’t uncommon for Lucy’s fear to be validated.

  My eyes scanned the small clearing, body stiff and muscles tight, but there was no one else here. In the middle of a pool of blood was a half-eaten deer, and I shuffled towards the left side of the glade. The body was still warm, small but missing the spots of infancy. I could instantly smell the scent of a cougar, but he had eaten enough to last.

  This kill was abandoned, and my bear was perfectly content to finish it off.

  Flesh tearing from bone filled the clearing, and though the sound was sickening to some, I relished it. Eating raw meat meant I’d be in this form for a while, but at least now I had some time to really think. Paul was practically oozing curiosity about last night, and my fur bristled as if he was still piercing me with his eyes.

  Blood coated my muzzle, turning my dark brown fur a rusty red. My lips curled up, sharp teeth glistening as the sun dappled through the canopy. Filling my belly with the second-best parts that the cougar had left behind, I smiled internally.

  Paul was right—this was a good idea.

  Stumbling through the back door of my rental house, I hiked up my jeans before swiping my hand through my hair. The artificial light that lit up the living room was blinding even though the sun outside was brighter. Shielding my eyes, my fingers twitched when I caught sight of Paul leaning against the couch with his arms folded and his eyebrow arched.

  “You were gone a long time. Should I be worried?” The tease in Paul’s voice brought a scowl to my face, and I shook my head hard.

  “No. I’m perfectly okay, thanks for asking. I just let my bear out more fully. This is new territory, you know.” Shrugging carelessly, Paul smirked, and I rolled my eyes. Striding over to him, I shoved my knuckles into his chest right above his heart. It was our thing, and my lips stretched in a smile of my own.

  “Of course I don’t, idiot. I’m a measly, little human. But anyway, I wanted to talk to you about that girl—Lucy.”

  “What about her?” The curiosity dribbled from my voice, and Paul’s brows came together. A seriousness bloomed around us, encasing us in a bubble I had felt many times over. No matter how much he liked to poke fun, my friend didn’t forsake a very simple fact.

  Ignoring something only made it worse.

  “I saw the way you looked at her last night, Jon. She’s a mate for you, right? But she didn’t seem to feel anything. I know you must have some sort of fixation on her, but I don’t want you to go through the same thing you went through with Claira.” Blinking slowly, I had to forcibly remind myself that Paul was just trying to help. He didn’t know what was going on with her; as he said, he was only human. Exhaling slowly through flared nostrils, I clenched my jaw as my animal side jolted, wanting to lash out and defend.

  “It’s not going to be like Claira, Paul. Trust me. Lucy is just going through something all shifters worry about. Once she’s connected more firmly with her beast, she’ll feel it.” Suspicion was clear in Paul’s gaze, but there wasn’t more I could say.

  There wasn’t even a way I could explain what Lucy would feel. Being mated didn’t mean sparks and warmth and rushes of emotion with each touch. It was just a faster paced, more intense love.

  “If you say so. But, Jon, remember, man—if you’re going to invest in her, make sure her brother is cool with it. You dated Claira for two years, and you still haven’t met her parents. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”

  Chapter Seven: Lucy

  The chime that tinkled through the bar grated against my ear drums, and I cringed as my grip on a shot glass tightened. I couldn’t stand that sound anymore, dreading when it would go off to signal we had a customer. Everything was quiet; there were only a few people drinking. Ryan had opened the bar extremely early today and the clock on the wall only read 3:54 p.m.

  It doesn’t matter because I’d be here doing this anyway.

  Chancing a glance at the door, my eyes narrowed on the well-built form that strode over to my section of the bar top. Jon was clothed in a simple, white t-shirt and jeans, and my eyelid twitched at the sight. It was rare to see someone in anything other than a flannel. Against the backdrop of the bar, he almost looked alien.

  “Hey, Lucy.” My gaze snapped to Jon’s face, taking in the gentle smile he offered me. I set down my glass and rag to smile back, but it came out askew. Almost a grimace, my mouth felt awkward as he slid onto a bar stool.

  “Hi. What can I get you?” Robotic, monotone, the question left a sour taste on my tongue. Jon set his elbows on the bar, propping his chin in his palm, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he just stared at me while his smile slowly faded.

  I blinked hard, discomfort twisting my belly at the intensity of his attentions. It felt like it went on a lot longer than three ticks of the second hand on the clock before he opened his mouth.

  “I’ll just have a beer, thanks.” Nodding absently, my body shuffled in well-practiced movements to one of the many mini refrigerators that lined my side of the bar. Pulling open a door, my fingers wrapped around the neck of a Corona as my heart started to beat harder. Jon’s gaze followed me, assessing, and everywhere it went goosebumps would rise on my skin. Popping the top of his bottle, I set it down in front of him before he spoke up again.

  “So, listen, about yesterday, I just wanted to apologize. I know it must’ve been super weird for some stranger to come up to you like I did.” The topic made me tense, and I licked my lips as Jon slowly reached for his beer with his free hand. He didn’t move his gaze from mine, and heat billowed up my neck from the memories that flashed in my mind’s eye.

  After a good night’s sleep, yesterday felt like a nightmare.

  “It’s fine.” Mumbling, I grabbed a glass tumbler and my rag just to busy myself. One on one, being around Jon wasn’t nearly as comfortable as I thought it would be. Across the bar top he took a wig of his beer, and my brows came together in the silence.

  “I was wondering if you weren’t working tonight and wanted to go to Saddle River? I have this friend, Cindy, that makes the best salmon.” My bear perked up at the invitation, ears twitching as my rag slipped from my fingers. Tearing my eyes off Jon, I beat her down but even then couldn’t so much as flex my thumb. Frowning deeply, I took a shallow, sharp breath and closed my eyes.

  Callused fingertips slipped along the length of my fingers, and a gasp flew from my lips. Prickles shot up my spine to rest like a ball of fuzz against the base of my skull, but I didn’t open my eyes. Slowly, carefully, Jon started to massage my hand, starting at my knuckles.

  “It must be so hard for you, Lucy.” Murmuring only loud enough for me to hear, Jon worked his way from my thumb to my pinky with special attention. His touch was feather light, but it still put enough pressure down to knead my loose muscles. “You know, I know how it feels to be at odds with my inner beast. I had a potential mate—we were together for two years. I was head over heels, but my bear didn’t really care. And then she left me for another male—a bigger, stronger male that I wouldn’t be able to match in a thousand years. I know it’s not exactly the same, but it’s close.”

  Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I cracked open my eyes to stare at Jon massage my weakened hand. It was as mesmerizing to watch as it was to feel, and I curled my fingers loosely around his. The story he told set weights on my shoulders, and my lips dragged down. Puttering along, my mind tried to find a rational reason any woman wouldn’t be perfectly happy.

  I wasn’t even sure how that pertained to my situation, but, in that moment, I didn’t care.

  “I can’t go with you. I have to work tonight.” My words scratched my throat, and I tilted my face to catch Jon’s gaze. His expression was drawn, and the sight made me frown even though he didn’t stop what he was doing.

 
“That’s fine. We can go one day when you don’t have to work. How does that sound?” For a moment, I could only stare, my brows coming together to crease deeply.

  “Why do you want to go out with me? You heard Ryan—I’m messed up. I’m going to end up like my parents and—” My babbling came to an abrupt halt when a rough palm caressed my cheek. Stiffening from the contact, I sucked in air as my eyes widened. Jon pushed himself from his stool, leaning over the bar to get within five inches of my face. His dark brown orbs flared with heat that threatened to blind me.

  “Don’t say that... I want to help you, Lucy. You’re not messed up, and you won’t end up like your parents. You’re just a little lost.” Grinding my teeth together, my mouth went dry at the sincerity in Jon’s tone.

  Maybe he’s just a nice guy. Maybe I need a nice guy… God knows I don’t have any friends here. And he’s a bear shifter, he could help me.

  “Lucy!” Jerking back at the deep, lashing call, I whirled around to lay eyes on Ryan. My brother’s face was distorted in rage, his muscles bulging and hands clenched into tight fists. “I told you that you’re fired if you didn’t open the bar yesterday. Get out!”

  The irritated snap made me jump, and I stumbled backward on heavy feet. Taking a threatening step towards me, Ryan’s inhuman aura started to choke me as I cowered against the edge of the bar top.

  “I said get out, Lucy!” Instinct forced me to obey, and my legs barely had the strength to hold me up. My stomps were loud on the hardwood, and my face was hot as I beat back tears. I cried too much, and I knew it was because of the instability inside me. Bursting through the bar’s front door, my bear managed a soft, soothing rumble that reverberated through my body.